Tag Archive: singleparents


happy_mothers_day

This post is a day early but I’m sure many of you reading this won’t seem to care about that after you read it……

I would like to take a moment to thank all those who don’t always get thanked and are normally over looked for what you do. Thank you to the moms who do the work of two not because you wanted to but because you had to for your children as a single parent. Thank you to the moms who are truly there for their children and put themselves dead last after everyone else even strangers are taken care of. Thank you to the moms who were scared when they found out they would be a mom but have blossomed into a wonderful loving and caring mom. A special thank you to the dads who have to act like moms because single parent dads get over looked all the time.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom to be or a mom to a living baby, have had the horrible misfortune of having a miscarriage, still birth, or your little one (some times not so little ones) died due to some terrible accident. To the step parents, grandparents, aunts / uncles, foster parents, adoptive parents and other people who are a mom to someone they didn’t give birth too I would like to wish every mom ( and single dads playing two roles) out there a very happy Mothers Day.

Now put down the technology and spend the day with your loved ones making new memories and having fun. Maybe also take a moment to be thankful for the moms who aren’t around anymore, they still matter as well because if not for them you wouldn’t be here or be who you are.

 

Advertisements

Being a parent you will get asked some random questions, most of the time it’s by our kids wanting to know things like “But why can’t we have a pet wolf? I’d love it and pet it” or “Cookies have food groups in them so they must be good for breakfast“.  However parents of  children with special needs (in my case a child with autism) the random / weird questions I get often come from people in our lives or total strangers. The questions only get more odd once they find out I’m a single parent to boot. Here are some of the things I hear along with my response.

Person – “Have you tried a specialized diet?” 
Me – “Have you ever tried dressing a snail?” {insert pause} “Oh you were serious. How would a diet help my child? He already eats pretty well and I’m lucky that he loves fruits”

Person- “Really? He has autism?  He looks so normal”
Me – “Well I could throw some wolf ears on him if it helps but I’m pretty sure we both rather just have you understand that not all disabilities are visible”

Person – “But he’s so happy and full of energy”
Me – “Yea…..because he is a kid. Did you assume that he is going to be miserable lump on the ground just because he has Autism?”

Person – “I’m sure it’s just a faze and he’ll grow out of it”
Me – “I didn’t know you specialized in children with Autism, please tell me more because the professionals we go to every week say other wise”

Person – “Are you sure?”
Me – “Of what…life? or that I really should or shouldn’t be buying my fourth coffee of the morning?”

Person – “I’m so sorry”
Me – “Why? What did you do?”

Person – “And you’re doing it all on your own, how do you manage to do it?”
Me – “Have you heard of caffeine?”

Person – “I’m sure there’s a nice man out there just waiting to meet you and help you with your son”
Me – “…yea……doubt that. Most people run when they hear that I’m a single mom let alone a single mom to a child with autism. So if he is out there he can find us because I’m not spending any of my limited extra energy looking for them”

These are just a sample of the questions I get, yes they are random and as you can tell I reply mostly with sarcasm because unless it’s a real question about autism I’m not going to give it any real attention. Now I should make it clear that I didn’t write this entry to be rude / vent. My goal is that people will remember that it’s ok to ask questions just don’t ask judgemental ones or ones that are just dumb. Instead when you see a parent (because it doesn’t matter if they’re a single parent or not) say something like this…..

“Your son/ daughter is really lucky to have you as their advocate/parent”

“I hope you remember to take a breather for yourself at some point today”

“You’re doing a great job”

“I hear so much about autism but don’t know that much really about it, what can you tell me?”

The point of this entry is to remember people (single parents or not), autistic children/ children in general, any one young or old with a disability (visible or not) we are all human beings — every judgment you make about them, even more so in front of them, affect them it doesn’t matter if they react to it or not. They think and feel things just as everyone else does, sometimes they can just feel them in different ways. Every parent of an autistic child can spend a great percentage of every day of their life advocating for their child, and if it isn’t apparent to you that the child is autistic — that might just show you how hard everyone is working together to make the life of the child fuller, easier and happier all around.

Has something ever shown up in your social media feed and hit real close to home. Well that’s what happened to me last night. Like most people I was laying in bed, gwacking at my cell phone because I couldn’t fall asleep and after mindlessly scrolling down my feed I came across a blog post by another mommy whose words rang so very true. Here is what she wrote….

“More often than not, there are days when no coffee in the world can touch your exhaustion. And when you’re ready to tag in your partner, oh wait…that’s you. You’re it.

There are times when things just don’t seem fair, and you know what, it’s probably because they aren’t. But you rise above anyway.

There are moments, many moments, when you question whether or not one person is capable of all you are called to duty for, and whether a human body is equipped for it or not. But somehow you find a way.

There are evenings when all is quiet in the house, and you feel not only a sense of relief, but also pain from the deafening silence. It seems inconceivable that someone could feel both of these things simultaneously, but it is indeed possible.

There are mornings when you wish you could ask for just a few more minutes, but no, those little humans are waiting and ready and depending on you. When you’re called up to the plate, there is no substitute.

There are situations where you simply stop dead in your tracks and ask, “Why?” followed by a quick, “And how will I…?” Despite usually not getting your answer, you still put one foot in front of the other and off you go.

You’re one person for a job that requires more like four.

You’re one caretaker who yearns for the day when you, too, will be taken care of. But until then, you will push on.

You’re one provider living in an economy where the majority of the time it takes at least two incomes to even scrape by.

You’re one parent who is beating the odds, more often than not doing what seems unmanageable even when there are two.

But while you’re one, you’re doing it. Some days are harder than others, but here you are—one more day. Just when you say you can’t, seconds later you are living “I can.”

To all single parents: You were, you are, and you will. You’re incredible.

Here’s to one more day of being a gladiator.”

I don’t know if it was because of the lack of sleep, caffeine levels being very low or the fact that I just found out my washer decided to demolish itself from the inside out but what she wrote was something that I needed to hear. I’m a single parent and yes there are times where I wish someone would just tell me “You know you’re acting dumb, but I still love you” while giving me a kiss on the forehead and a much needed hug. However that’s just not in the cards  for me right now (by my own doing) and you know what that’s ok, it doesn’t change the fact that I will doing anything for my son or change how much I enjoy the time we spend together.  It also doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing the work of many on my own, which even though I’d enjoy a vacation I’m oddly ok with. All this being said I hope that her words make you feel better as well.

Here is the link to Regans’ original blog post:
http://www.scarymommy.chttp://www.scarymommy.com/single-parent-pushes-on/om/single-parent-pushes-on/

Dear any parent reading this….

Don’t quit.

I know it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and that it really doesn’t matter if the dishes are done or that no one really cares that you stayed up till 2 am folding laundry or that you are just overlooked by what it seems is everyone in your life. Perhaps it hits when you’re sitting in the car and put your head on the steering wheel and out of no where the tears start to roll down your cheek. I know that sometimes you just want to throw in the towel and whisper (or scream) that you’ve had enough.

You’re not alone, trust me I’ve been there and often try to hide it with a fake smile plastered to my face. Or you’ll find me hiding my own issues by helping others with their own (not a wise idea, but that’s for another blog).

I remember standing in the shower one night, my head against one of the walls thinking that I couldn’t do this motherhood thing anymore and that I really didn’t matter or make a difference and that I would never ever catch up on the things that needed to be done. Which, by the way, I still think will never really caught up on. And because I’ve felt that way when I first became a single parent and even feel that way some times now, I’m writing this today to tell you that you, right now,that you matter more than you might ever realize.

You, and your life, your voice, your giving of self, and all of that matters. YOU MATTER!

I won’t lie there will be days that are hard and those days may turn into weeks that are hard or they may even snowball and turn into a month that just seems like your breaking point.

But here is a little secret, you can do this. I know you can.

As hard as it may sound you need to pick yourself up, brush off the metaphorical dust and be the parent you know you can be today.

It doesn’t mean you have to take a deep breath in and become SuperMom or Dad of the Year. Just by looking into your children’s eyes and tell them how much you love them – even though you are remembering how much they talked back to you this morning and drove you up the wall– and be sure you tell them how you love them unconditionally. You can make those sandwiches for lunch today, heck add in some sliced apples for good messure and can today you can actually get the straw in the juice pouch on the first time, or maybe the second. You can drive those kiddos to soccer, swimming lesson, dance, martial arts, school to where ever they need to be and you will tell yourself that you sitting in the car with them matters.

Just DO NOT give up

The internet has a lot of information but one thing it has taught me is we only fail when we quit.

Being a parent doesn’t look like those Pinterest boards full of birthday ideas with perfect fondant cakes and party favors that take three hours to make. Those moments can be made and are possible but seriously, listen to me, those things don’t make a parent. Those things, while they are beautiful, they don’t really matter. They will be forgotten down the road. Do you know what matters? You. Right now, reading these words, who no matter what is always there for their kiddo(s) and put them first and for most.

Don’t dread on the times you’ve messed up or thought you may of messed up. I’ve got them as well, that mom you see in the morning who looks like she just walked off a photo shoot, yep she has those moments too. Please remember all the times where you have done well, or the times when you’ve been there when it really mattered. Sitting up at one am rocking a toddler who had a bad dream. Making dinner out of a pantry that is bare and used up all of your creativity or just gave in and said “Yep, cereal for dinner it is“. Remember and be proud of the times you have found yourself giving up on something you need so that your child can get what they need. Remember the times you found yourself helping with their homework when you just wanted a nap. Reading a story for the eighth time. Folding those clothes that you know will end up on the floor come morning. Making lunches, listening to their stories, being silly and laughing until it hurt. Even remember gross times like holding the puke bucket, the sad times by wiping tears away from their faces. Remember the proud moments like putting art on the wall, watching them tie their shoes all by themselves or learning to ride a bike.

Those are the moments in life that will matter and be remembered by your child. Not what you spent on them, not how you said “No” and it made them mad, being there is what will stick in their heads when they are growing up.

So you may feel like you want to quit and that’s ok to feel, but DON’T GIVE UP. Pick up the towel right now and instead tell yourself you can’t, tell yourself can and just make it through today. You can do it. Don’t look at how anyone else is parenting, or what everyone’s Facebook status states, don’t read into the Pinterest picture of the perfect parent. You are the perfect parent for your children and you are the only parent they will have. There is no price tag large enough that would ever illustrate the true value of being a parent. You are an amazing gift to your family now remember that and be your amazing self.

I’ve said it once before and I’ll remind you again. You have a 100% success rate when it comes to bad days or hard times. YOU GOT THIS